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<title>The Poetry of Being Evil by cloudeater (anxiousgoat), gigglefit (NoctuaLusa), tschulie</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26268364">The Poetry of Being Evil</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/anxiousgoat/pseuds/cloudeater'>cloudeater (anxiousgoat)</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoctuaLusa/pseuds/gigglefit'>gigglefit (NoctuaLusa)</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/tschulie/pseuds/tschulie'>tschulie</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack, Gen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 05:14:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>541</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26268364</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/anxiousgoat/pseuds/cloudeater, https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoctuaLusa/pseuds/gigglefit, https://archiveofourown.org/users/tschulie/pseuds/tschulie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tom needs a scary name to gain the respect of his lessers, surely his teddy won't let him down?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Fanatical Fam's Crackfic Chaos</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Poetry of Being Evil</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is a Crackfic written by the Fanatical Fam over on the discord for the Fanatical Fics and Where To Find Them podcast!<br/>These fics have been created using our favourite bot - Chocolate Frogs - during a game we like to call Crackfic Chaos.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tom Riddle was walking up and down in his dorm room. He needed to come up with an evil name for himself! How else would he be respected by his fellow students? He looked at the scribbled full to the edges piece of parchment and everything seemed to not fit.</p><p> He would consult his Teddy now, it was time! </p><p>"Hello, Tom, dear," said his Teddy, resting its furry chin on its fluffy paw. "What's up, boyo?" </p><p>"I need a name. A proper name. A really scary one that everyone will fear and respect now and forever." </p><p>"Wow," said the Teddy, blinking his beady eyes. "That's a tall order. Have you thought of making your name into an acrostic poem?" </p><p>"What, like The Overarching Malaise?" said Tom and scrunched up his nose. "That's a bit rubbish." The teddy raised his left, fluffy eyebrow. </p><p>"You know, Tom, you could try out my idea first before you start complaining? Especially if you do not have a better idea of how to get your super scary villain name." And with that, it crossed its arms and pouted. </p><p>Tom looked at Teddy, why were they like that? They had always been nice to him and never raised their voice against him in the orphanage. Was it because he had them stuffed away in the deepest and darkest corner in his trunk? Whatever, then he'll try what Teddy had suggested if that was his wish.</p><p>But, it turned out that acrostic poems were not that easy to make. Maybe, Tom was not the best poet in the world. He stared at the letters of his name until they started dancing around in front of his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>Then Tom fainted. When he opened his eyes again, there was something shining above him. He couldn't work out what it was for a moment, and then his eyes focussed and he realised that Dumbledore was leaning over him! The shining had been the twinkle in Dumbledore's eyes. Tom sighed. </p><p>"What do you want?" he said. "I don't suppose you're any good at acrostics, are you?" Dumbledore seized him, pulling to his feet. </p><p>"I'm afraid not, dear boy," he said. "Poetry was never among my talents. But I believe I may be able to assist you, despite that." Tom was not convinced. His teacher usually wanted to make sure his evil plans were unsuccessful. And, also, poetry was, what he needed help with, for Merlin's sake! But Dumbledore swept on. </p><p>"Now, first, have a drink. A little Sassy Shiraz?" He handed Tom the drink, and Tom took it. "I think that what you really need, my boy, is a friend." Tom wrinkled his nose, unimpressed. </p><p>"What would I want one of those for?" </p><p>"For making evil plans with, of course!" cried Dumbledore. "A fuck buddy is even better in my experience, but I understand that you need to start slowly. Anyway, I think I know the perfect person to be your friend." Then Dumbledore pulled out the Sorting Hat from it's shelf. </p><p>"I think you should start with this one! He's seen all sorts of shit and let's be honest Tom, you're a sociopath and if I couldn't relate to you that much you would have been expelled ages ago. BYE!"</p>
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